feeling awful again...

28 July 2004
1:00am

I feel awful.

I just spent a couple of hours with tow of my closest, dearest friends. Did I have fun? Yes. So why the hell am I so sad?!?

I know myself pretty well an can pretty much see that I am beginning to try and distance myself from Rhed. I really don't want to, believe me, but everytime he comes close I automatically put up a wall. It pains me because he's leaving in a little over a month. Is this how I really want him to remember me by?

Mic sees it too. She says it's inevitable. Still, I can't help but feel bad about it. I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR COLD ANY MORE THAN I RELISH THE THOUGHT OF HIM LEAVING. This is the problem with being so well-guarded: the minute you decide to stop, your mind gets the better of you and starts to function on its own. It's not that I'm sad he's leaving for Long Island. If anything, I'm excited for him too. How often does one have the chance to pursue their dreams? And with full support from those he loves at that. :) I guess I'm a possesive friend after all. It's just that I don't really allow myself to get close to people - at least, not at this level. I have many friends (I think!) but there are only a select few whom I open up to. I can count with my fingers how many fit into this circle - they're not much. It's just not fair that those who are dearest to me are the ones who have to go away... Ria, Sab, Nico. Now Rhed. Abandonment issues, anyone?

Hmmm... I am reminded of Doc Ock in Spidey 2 (which, incidentally, we just finished watching). Now Doctor Octavius did seem to have SOME semblance of rational though, it's just that the AI got the best of him. He couldn't even control it until it was too late. I don't want that to be me. Why the hell can't I just be normal?!?

Nica once told me that it's useless to try and preempt things by distancing yourself since the outcome is inevitable and you'll end up feeling worse and kicking yourself in the ass. Well I'm kicking myself right now. Puta, Chiko, get a grip!

I think I'm too much of a damn control-freak for my own good.